These Requests are Really Starting to Get Weird

These Requests are Really Starting to Get Weird

Kris Kringle's history is kind of a mystery. He didn't seem too interested in giving us much information on his technical experience. We know that he started working in Russia, so maybe he knows Cobol or something. Regardless, unlike normal celebrities he is a wise and innocent sage. We are excited that such a personality would want to write for us, so we give him the floor.
written by
Santa Claus

You pigs. You absolute sickos. What have you done to the youths of this world? They ask for unholy things that I can't possibly deliver. And I know you're behind this.

Just what the heck is XP? Sure, there's a generation gap I have to deal with every once in a while. New gift ideas take me by surprise. VCRs, DVDs, Apple computers, the list goes on. I adjust. I deal. I eventually get all the kids the toys they want. But when I start getting wishes for complete lists of serial cracks, I know you computer geeks are up to something.

I work around the clock to keep up with the wishes of the young children. But there are a few things that you do to them that make my life difficult. Maybe it's the way you Peter Pans pit your petty ideologies against each other, then get the children involved. When I get letters saying things like, "Please don't make my Daddy's iMac programs into Microsoft .Net files that point to Win32-specific components," I know you've been messing with their heads again.

One child wanted to "be ph34red by all Quake III clans." One wanted me to give him a "client-to-client protocol program that worked smoothly." Give me a break, please. Or a gun.

And that's another thing. Kids used to want toy laser guns. Now they want rail guns. Huh? One boy wanted "the Half-Life Counterstrike version of the rail gun. You know, the one where you can shoot the bad guy in the foot and you still get a frag out of it." No, I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one.

And just what is a "frag"? Children want this more than ever. They want to have more of these than any other child has. What is it? A novelty frog toy of some sort? I can't even find these things on eBay.

While I'm on the subject of gripes, the "Annual NORAD Tracks Santa Claus" project (at makes me a tad uncomfortable. You computer addicts don't actually track me with missile defense systems, do you? If you continue to do so, I know one naughty computer worker who won't be getting a bagful of frags this year.

Have you been breeding unnatural animals with your wretched science? I've had children ask me for nearly every breed of dog. But I've never once heard of the SONY breed of dogs. Apparently you've enhanced dogs with some sort of blasted metalwork and electric sensors. Forget coal in your stockings. You'll pay for this in hell, I tell you. And thanks so much for making the children ask me for these things.

Are these SONY people also responsible for those unholy "Poh-kee-mon"? For years you tech people have encouraged the development of "bioengineering" and other distasteful technologies. That and your love of mass industrialization have resulted in "Poh-kee-mon," these electrically destructive mutant mice and humanoid berserkers. Darned if I'll put these former denizens of the inferno into my sac and fly with them at 5,000 feet!

There are alternatives to exhausting me like this. Can't you go back to teaching kids I don't exist or something?

More Stories By Tod Emko

Tod wrote humor-oriented articles for the Syracuse Herald-Journal and held various writer, editor, and cartoonist positions at other publications before accepting his role as a computer nerd. He has years of experience as a front-end Web developer and Perl programmer, and is now a senior XSL script architect and XML documentation writer for

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