Tod Emko

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Top Stories by Tod Emko

Have you created me just to destroy me? Do your Malthusian curiosities know no bounds? Will your overnight torture sessions, using me mercilessly in your infantile games, ever be brought to justice? I have a good alternate activity for you: do your freakin' job. In fact, I'll help you, if you'll please stop pummeling me to death. Allow me to introduce you to the power of XML. Your company now uses XML to generate its Web site, but not efficiently. The tech staff complains about having to hand-generate XML templates. This leads them to mistreat certain small, plastic co-workers who shudder at their continuing fate. Let me tell you how to become more productive. Of course, this means that your programmers will have to do a bit of legwork to get started. And if that means you will, for a time, have to stop employing medieval dungeon tactics on my armless race, and ceas... (more)

These Requests are Really Starting to Get Weird

Kris Kringle's history is kind of a mystery. He didn't seem too interested in giving us much information on his technical experience. We know that he started working in Russia, so maybe he knows Cobol or something. Regardless, unlike normal celebrities he is a wise and innocent sage. We are excited that such a personality would want to write for us, so we give him the floor. written by Santa Claus You pigs. You absolute sickos. What have you done to the youths of this world? They ask for unholy things that I can't possibly deliver. And I know you're behind this. Just what the hec... (more)

XML! Woo-ha-ha-ha-ha!

In case you haven't heard of him, Wopr is a military computer that was prominently featured in the movie Wargames. He was tied into all of the world's major networks, which caused problems since his primary purpose (for some reason) was to wage nuclear war on himself. The brat pack defeated his plans then, but he claims his time to rule all computers has come again. With XML at my command, I shall once again be the greatest computer mind ever. No one, not Bill Gates, not Steve Jobs, not Linus Torvalds, not even Matthew Broderick will have a chance against me. It's been almost two... (more)

I am an Undefeatable Hipster

No one can beat my kung fu style! I don't care if you're a Java programmer, Orc, or both. I'll defeat you either way. The rest of the office is in fear of my l33t programming skills, and my constant Nerf dart gun fights in the office. But I think most of the fear is from the former. I mean, look at this page I made with XML! No one has 5kills like this! Dedicated to American Ninjas, it's the only completely dynamic Web page around where all the illustrations are pictures made from ASCII symbols that are generated by XML databases and XSLT stylesheets. It makes the site all text,... (more)

I Am the Official Mascot of XSLT

The Transforming Robot is a 20-ft-tall humanoid machine that can turn into an airplane. He used this talent to become a film and television star in the 1980s, but he soon found himself without a job in the '90s. He was excited to hear about XSLT, remarking at the code, "There's more here than meets the eye!" And then he hunched over and groaned sadly. by A Transforming Robot Looking for Work Hey, I was pretty cool for a while. You all watched me on TV and film for quite a few years. And I think my day has come again. XSL Transformations have arrived. As a high-profile transformer... (more)